So two weeks ago I did a thing…
for the first time in two years I sat on the other end of a camera … alone… on purpose… smiling.
In my mind this moment would be the pinnacle of my healing journey. This the crowning moment of what Ido waited so long for… a smile.
Taking these pictures was made so easy by Allison of Kismet Visuals. She understood my fears and let me talk them all out over a huge cup of mocha.
When I got the images I handed them to Jonah. I was a mix of proud that I did it, and still somewhere searching for that smile I once knew.
Sitting with Jonah he looked them over and then looked at me… I was a mess. I was happy with how they looked.. that wasn’t it. But the painful reminder of wanting how I feel on the inside to show through.
He comforted me, encouraged me, and then said this.
The woman you’re thinking of, the one you remember… she doesn’t carry the story that this woman does.
He’s so right. This woman knows volumes of things that I wouldn’t trade for the widest smile in the world. She knows grief and truth, perseverance and joy. She knows resolve and she knows the true support and love that can be found in life.
So you know what? I’ll take it. I’ll trade the old in for the new. Knowing that I want to go further, that I will go further, but I will not dishonor the person I have become.