An update … not a fun one.
Lately I’ve been thinking about invitations. We send and receive invitations for all types of things, weddings, showers, birthdays, etc. Generally they’re all things we celebrate. You hardly ever hear of invitations for less pleasant occasions. Today is November 2, 2016, 337 days from my first surgery, and today I’ve been handed an invitation and have been asked to have another. Long story short my doctors believe I am having a reaction to the materials placed in my head during my second surgery. They’ve been working for the last month to try to resolve the issue through other means but have decided going in is the only way. I don’t know that I have anything particularly rosy to say. I don’t want another surgery, it’s that simple. I’ve been holding this before the Father for weeks speaking healing and peace over my body. I’m not in denial or wishing away my worries, I’m just not willing to give up my peace. I don’t know exactly how this step is going to resolve itself, but I can say that more than ever before I do feel like this is it. I had a moment several days ago where I was worshipping and I could see myself standing with my doctors in front of me and the Father behind. He was holding the back of my head and somehow I knew everything was going to be ok. Standing there I was suddenly so aware of the weight of what I’ve been carrying in my heart over this situation. The weight of further issues and another recovery. What felt so heavy before suddenly became very light … and so I let it go. My God is good and big and all around … that doesn’t mean that the going doesn’t get tough, it just means I dig my heals in a little deeper. Listen, I write this with tears knowing that every cell in my body wants to run away and hide from the next step. But I can’t and won’t give up. I’ve come so far, and so many have it far worse than I. So many don’t know there’s been a payment made for their situation, or worse, their situations gotten so hard or deep that they’ve rejected the light because hope has become painful and settled into the dark. I could cry the why me song, but I just don’t feel like it. I’m going to keep speaking healing and peace over my body, knowing that at any moment this could all turn around … and ultimately WILL. I’m asking for your prayers too. The great news is if surgery is the route to be taken the approach will be much less invasive and won’t go near my facial nerve. Yesterday talking with my neurosurgeon I told him how great I feel and how much I want to move forward. He looked at me and said, “You had a very large tumor removed, your face is recovering, you’re not sick, it’s time to get this behind you”. And I whole heartedly agree. I’m still Natalie. I’m believing for healing because that’s what’s been paid for. And I’m ready to get there by any means necessary. My girls need a mom, my husband needs a wife and my family needs a daughter and sister … and they’re getting a WHOLE one. I’ll keep people updated as to when things will be scheduled. Just keep me and my family before you in prayer. I know we’ve got this. I hope my writing doesn’t deter anyone from relationship with God because it doesn’t always “go my way”. If anything I truly hope you see that the reason I can be all in is because I’ve experienced the one who holds my days. Sometimes an invitation comes and it’s not for a wedding or birthday, but it’s a simple card with two words on the inside, “Trust me”. I’m not perfect in my faith or delusional about reality. I’m just so convinced that He who began a good work is faithful to complete it. Several years back I received a word that said, ” You’re going to be shaken, and then you’ll shake nations”. I can bend but I won’t break … I might fall but it will be into the hands that formed me, and I say all these things fully aware that my emotions can’t back them up! So I bring this to you all and thank you for all the support you’ve given my family. We’re very much looking forward to moving ahead and hopefully giving away the enormous grace we’ve received. I’ll keep everyone updated. Thank you!