So the last several weeks have been pretty awesome. Just a month ago I had NO movement in my face. I take pictures all the time of myself making facial expressions and covering the strong side of my face. Up until this point there has been nothing. There has been the continual improvement of my face becoming more symmetrical – which is awesome – but no real movement. And then a few weeks ago I noticed a very small movement under my eye. I thought I was seeing things, but I wasn’t … well I was … I was seeing movement!!
This past Monday I made an appointment with one of my doctors. I wanted to show him to be sure I wasn’t making things up. My doctor confirmed that one of the branches of my facial nerve was indeed moving! He explained how the branch recovering movement was the one with the most direct path from the root to the nerve ends. He recommended to keep doing my exercises and let time and my body do the work. What’s crazy is as soon as you would think i should start jumping for joy I hear this awful lie whisper,”this is it. This is all you’ll get.” What? No. No thanks. Not today.
About a month ago in church I felt a promoting that it was time to up my pursuit of my healing. At the end of service that day, a girl I am just getting to know came up to me. She had been praying for me and said she saw what looked like injury on the inside of my nerves that she felt was preventing the breakthrough of movement. What she didn’t know was that months ago when I had my nerve tested the doctor had told me that I had injury not only on the outside but also on the inside of my nerves. Once she was done praying Jonah returned from picking up the girls and said that he really felt like I was supposed to start expecting more. You know I’m a sign person … that was good enough for me.
Not that I haven’t been expecting, not that I haven’t been believing, but I just felt the invitation to step into a continual conversation with God, honoring what he’s done and asking for more. Each week since then, I have either sought out or have been sought out by people to pray over my nerves. Since this began I have felt and seen major improvements.
What I’m learning is that faith is a journey, not a formula. If there were a recipe for faith I would have found it by now. Be it my current situation, or my dads battle with cancer; if faith were a matter of mixing together the right ingredients it would have already been done. What I’ve learned and am learning is that faith is less striving to stay away from doubt and more leaning into what you know is true… and let me tell you, there is a huge difference between the facts and the truth. The facts state the physical reality of a situation. Fact: my dad died of cancer. Fact: the right side of my face is weak. But then there’s the truth. Truth: Jesus overcame sickness and death. So much so that even in the midst of heartache, I can be at peace. Peace because I know my father is with THE Father, and peace because I KNOW I will smile again.
Of course our world can be full of noise. The noise of painful memories or the noise of lies that I’ll never have my face back. What I am learning is that it’s not how hard I clinch my eyes and fists and pray at the top of my lungs. But it’s more leaning into the unwavering goodness of God and saying,”it’s getting loud out here. Remind me again of who You are.” It’s not a cakewalk … But its become my safe place.
Even last week in the midst of all my victory I had a break down with Jonah. I told Jonah, this walk is a lot like being pregnant. You find out you’re pregnant and you know in 9 months you’ll be bringing a beautiful baby into the world. As excited as you are and as much planning as you do, there is still this small part of you that thinks,”Me? Have a baby? Nah, can’t be possible”. Even as the baby grows and becomes more evident it still is hard in some moments to wrap your mind around the reality to come .. But it is coming. And that’s where I am now. Excitement continues to build around my healing taking place literally right in front of my eyes. And at the same time I find myself in pockets of time struggling to get my head above the waves. But I know where I’ve come from and I know where I’m going.
My sincere hope is that this journey will be used for Gods glory. That this won’t be just a time I look back on, but something that I carry with me all the time, ready to give away the victory I’ve received. A few Sunday’s ago during worship I heard this phrase in my heart, it said, “You’re the Lord of the dance and the Lord of the song. You’re the Lord of the battle and the victory is won,” as I sang this line over in my head I heard the Holy Spirit say, ” I get to be the Lord of the dance and song because I am already the Lord of the victory”. He’s already won … so, I’ve already won. And as I continue down this road I again remind myself of what the Holy Spirit said to me before my initial MRI, “this is the beginning of the end”. I know there is an end, and I know He’s said, “it is good”.