It’s what’s inside that counts

imageThe past few weeks have been really busy. I made the decision to go back to work and have been operating at full speed since. A lot of people have asked me if I’ve considered stay home since my surgery. I definitely have. I mean after 7 months at home how could I not? The thought of staying home with my girls and leaving the rat race behind sounds SO nice. No dress code, no conference calls, no problem ;).

But every time I thought about it I was reminded of a little white-haired man named Charles Carrin, who stayed with us several years ago. We were holding a conference at our church and at the last moment we were approached about hosting him. The funny thing was that the night before I had a dream that he would be staying with us… So his room was ready. He had recently lost his wife and I my dad. We talked about our experiences as he enjoyed eating bananas and peanut butter for breakfast. He was and I’m sure still is, a sweet, sweet man. The last night he was with us he prayed over us in our home. Those are words I remind myself of often. He spoke about our health, my job, and how we would encounter change, but it would be for the good. There was so much authority in what he said. Then I reflect on how much favor I’ve had where I work. Any chance I get I tell people about my experience and how grateful I am for my job. And how in the most extreme seasons of life I have found nothing but favor with those around me. All that being said, two weeks ago Jonah was driving me into the office for my first “day” at work. I had been working from the house up until then and was headed in to help hold some interviews. I felt aggravated and on edge all morning getting ready to go in. As Jonah drove me in, I started to cry. When he asked what was wrong I told him I was so worried about what people would see when they saw me … Would they see inability? Would they see weakness? Would they see what was leftover from someone they knew before? I was overwhelmed. Jonah turned to me and said, when they look at you they will see you, because you are still who you’ve always been. I needed that reminder. That even though I don’t feel whole … I am still me. I headed into work and began my day of interviews. As the day went on I began to feel more and more in my own skin. I was getting ready to head to my last appointment before going home when my former boss asked me to stop by. She has always been such an encouraging breath of fresh air. We chatted for a few minutes before she gave me a card and gift to open. I opened the card and as I read the words I was overcome. God was speaking. This card was the beautiful answer to my earlier cry. She wrote “what she sees, when she sees me”. I then opened her gift. A beautiful bracelet that at first glance was a silver hammered bangle. But a closer look showed that inside the words in her card had been engraved. God is so good. He is so in tune to our every day that a simple cry like, ‘what will people see’ had already been set up ahead of time to be answered. There it was, the response to my hearts cry. Without her knowing just a few hours earlier I was wrestling with that very thought. It was just another reminder to me that when I start to entertain the thought that I’ve been removed from God’s view that I am actually smack in the middle of it. It reminds me to always have my ears open and to stop and acknowledge His voice. The more we stop and acknowledge Him, the more He speaks.
It’s not always … And actually hardly ever is … A big booming voice. It’s generally a verse I’ve read earlier that shows back up, or a thought I’ve had that someone else will answer. He’s speaking through everything and everyone in our lives. It’s up to us to acknowledge it and embrace it.

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