Buzzing, Tingling and Vulnerability

So here we are. I am 4 months and 9 days post tumor removal. My voice continues to sound better and my body strength continues to improve! I feel like my face is more symmetrical and the very corner of my mouth points up while in a resting position instead of down! I still don’t have any movement, but the past month I have experienced a buzzing feeling on and off around the corner of my mouth and lips. Last night standing in the pantry I got this sudden sharp pain in the space between my right nostril and upper lip. It hurt! But then I realized it was on my weak side and I got excited! And as of this afternoon I’ve had a few tingles around my eye! I’m believing that these are all signs of healing happening in my face. While I still can’t drive, I hope that day is getting closer. My eye is SO much better than it was the last time I posted. The weight is a little heavy for me, but my doc reminded me that instead of changing it out right now that we should keep in mind this is a TEMPORARY fix! Thanks doc :).
A lot has happened in the last 4 months. More than just what’s going on physically. There have been many changes in life and these changes have brought me to a place of A LOT of soul searching.
One of the mindsets that I have been continually submitting to Christ is that a person has to arrive at a certain level of maturity or religious “understanding” to be of any use, or to really be credible in the Kingdom. If that’s the truth then there is no hope for me. The last 4 months have challenged me to the core and left me open and vulnerable. But as I become more open and more vulnerable I find it’s such a beautiful place with the Lord. His word says that he uses the “foolish things of the world to shame the wise”. I’m learning daily what this means and finding reward in being humbled. I feel kept, I feel safe.
Because this is something I have struggled with in the past, it made making my weaknesses public a challenge. As I was sitting a few days ago wondering if people would think I was weak or not standing for my healing because of things I’ve said, I began to think on the ministry of Jesus. I can imagine that to the masses Jesus was the untouchable one. He was without sin, he could raise the dead and heal the sick. He was the pinnacle of spirituality. But then I began to think of his journey to the cross. It was humiliating, it was ugly and it was public. I wonder how many of those who once esteemed him highly abandoned him at the first sign of weakness? But the humiliation, torture and abandon didn’t take away from the power of the resurrection that was to follow. If his public struggle didn’t rob him of his destiny, then why would mine? I’ve lived a very long time saying and doing things that I thought would make people happy. I’m learning that this only keeps alive the lie that who I really am and what I really think are not valuable. Jesus only wants me as I am. Not the version I think he wants. As I yield to that I gain a greater understanding of his heart for me, and I gain greater faith for what’s ahead. Im excited about what’s coming.

One thought on “Buzzing, Tingling and Vulnerability

  1. You are beautiful.
    When i read this it moved me and inspired me also. Yes your faith is tried and tested and increasing daily. I know what this is like not physically but emotionally and in many areas our faith is tested but .. GOD.
    He is and always will be the great I AM.
    Your everything. You are getting to experience him in such a real deep way that some people never do.When you speak and proclaim it will be with authority and power becuase of the things you have walked through with him. Keep looking up and know he has you.. Safe.
    Love you. Tania.

    Liked by 1 person

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