Up and Down

So today I’m going to go all David on you …. For those that don’t know who David is, he was a guy in the Bible who God said was,”a man after God’s heart,” but he was super bipolar. One moment he would be extremely depressed crying out to God for relief and then the next would be singing his praises … Lol … Well today that’s me. Sitting up this morning with Maelie I turned on some worship music. One of the things that surgery temporarily took from me was the ability to sing … Now I’m no Jonah Epps :), but I love to sing! Being without a voice has been difficult on many levels and not being able to sing has been a major one. The vocal cord injections have given me back a small measure of that voice and since Jonah was out getting a haircut I was making full use of that measure ;). As I was “singjng” and just enjoying Maelie (and coffee), God began to overwhelm me and remind me of how he’s been calling me since I was a little girl. With no grid for him or anything spiritual or religious He has been drawing me. He reminded me of my favorite shirt when I was 6 years old. My mom might remember it was this “pretty” teal sweater that had plus signs all over it. I loved this sweater because in my mind they were crosses. Did I know what the cross was? Did I have any idea who God was? I really didn’t. My parents wouldn’t get saved for a few more years, but I loved the cross. Another even more humorous memory he reminded me of was even earlier than the sweater. I had to look up the year, it was 1989 and I was a whopping 5 years old, I vividly remember my favorite song at that time was Madonna’s Like a Prayer …. Lol …. So I obviously had no idea what the song was about but all I remember was that she was “praying” …. I know, I know … But God can and does use anything to draw us … Even Madonna. He reminded me then of being 13 and standing In a dusty baseball stadium in Mexico and seeing a little boy who had been deaf since birth receive his hearing. I wasn’t in the stands, this wasn’t a hoax, I was standing in front of this little boy and his mother, I remember the look in the mom’s face and the pure joy in this little boy’s voice. I remember looking up at the stars and saying, God no matter where I go or what I do, don’t let me forget this moment, and He hasn’t. Finally He reminded me of being 20, all alone in my apartment downtown. I wasn’t thinking of Him or looking for Him and In a moment of crying out in frustration He swooped in and encountered me. I felt him, I knew it was him. I’d been running the opposite direction but he was just a footstep behind me the whole time. He’s been calling me as long as I can remember …. Literally. I know I have a future without facial weakness or any other strange dysfunction, and I know that this IS part of the story. I’m trying to figure out what it really looks like to let God,”have it all,” I know I’m not there yet, but I know it will be the best place to arrive. Thank you to everyone who perseveres through these posts. I hope in all of this that you have moments of your own. We’re all on a journey, this is just part of mine.image

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