Honesty is the best policy

Honesty is the best policy …… Right? Well honestly I’m not happy about how I feel right now. I was so excited to get the gold weight put in my eyelid, I put a lot of “eggs” in that basket. Today marks a week since the procedure and my eye is not great. It’s hard to look around … Really hard. The doctor that put the weight in is on vacation until next week. His replacement told me that recovery at this point was still normal, but this doesn’t feel normal to me. I have an appointment with my doc next Thursday if nothing gets any worse before then and I’m trying to be patient and hope that this IS part of the recovery and at any moment I’m going to start to improve. I know this is going to be ok eventually but I felt it was important to be honest with my feelings. We’re at our best when we are our most earnest I think. I know God is coming through for me. I know I’m going to see this thing done, but there are points in the journey when you sit down and say, man this trip is long … I’m tired. Right now I’m tired. I hope that when I’m better I remember what it feels like to not be able to do the simple things, like going outside to play with your daughter. I hope I remember so that I don’t take it for granted. I hope I remember the compassion I’ve been shown and give it to others. I hope when I’m better that I don’t just pass over people who are hurting because I’ve forgotten what days like today feel like. Every time Jesus did a miracle the Bible says he was,”moved with compassion”. We can’t touch any situation wanting to see it improved and not bring compassion to the table. We’ve all tried to change someone’s mind out of frustration or “knowing better” and it never works. What I’ve learned from walking through this is that I am a far cry from “knowing better”. I think when Paul said, “… That I know nothing but Jesus Christ and him crucified,” That he was saying what I feel in this moment … I don’t know why … But I know Jesus is. It’s probably the most frustrating statement to someone who doesn’t believe in God. After all, how can “believe” in someone when I’m not seeing results in this moment? Because I’ve felt Him, I’ve experienced Him. When there is nothing else to turn to He’s always there. No, things haven’t magically changed, but my confession is becoming more true. Yes, today I’m frustrated. I want to cry and just want to shake this thing off me and continue on, but I also know in the midst of all of this is a God who loves me with an everlasting love and is working things out on my behalf. It’s either all true what He said in his word or its all a lie. I’m choosing right now despite my emotions to believe it’s all true.

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